February 11th, 2011

Acceptance and grief: letting go to the present moment

I have a very vulnerable, open heart this week. A week ago Thursday I got news of an upcoming change which at the outset seemed so trivial. All the more reason why I was so caught off guard when I felt emotion welling up inside me.

My first reaction was to contain at all cost. Ignore, push away, withhold what was emerging. Moments passed and I acknowledged I had another choice- acceptance. I slipped into a vacant office, closed the door and cried. It felt good, a release, a letting go, and a respect of self.

in another time, before my Aikido training, it’s hard to say how long I might have gone holding, constraining, and pushing what was emerging away. All which would have been wasted energy.

I feel lighter now albeit still sensing my aching heart. The feelings of loss I’m sensing now are the gift of loving fully. What a shame it would be to let the fear of loss or the fear of losing someone or something in the future keep me from experiencing loving fully in the moment. This takes me back to the first days following my daughters’ births. I remember being swept completely away by the sensations of love and the simultaneously overwhelming fear of losing them.

January 13th, 2011

Extension: an elegant solution

Thump thump thump… The sound of my various boney protusions hitting the mat, not the recognizably smooth, swoshing sound when extending through a roll. More practice, rich learning. still in awe of the simple elegance found in the practice of extension.

January 11th, 2011

My first Aikido post

ironic that I’m journaling for the first time about my aikido experience just weeks away from my first year anniversary of joining the Dojo. It’s been a rich learning filled year. Deep belly breathing has been my main focus of late. Numerous times every hour of the day, I notice myself holding my breath away from core. I am in awe by the strain and energy it takes to maintain the contraction that I have habitually participated in for who knows how many years. I no longer feel the tendency to self criticize though. this just is and daily, breathing from my belly, letting go, and sinking is becoming more available for me. I’m catching myself initiating breaths from there not as an act of my brain directing the action, but from a true core initiation. i think Sensei has coined the term innervation to describe this.

I should also celebrate the moment about three weeks ago that I had in which I realized that my previous attempts at innervating from my core were still being initiated from my head. Again, awe, this really brought to light the enormity of what is before me. A lifetime of worthwhile practice that promises endless learning opportunity. I love the spirit and capacity for both being a beginner and pursuing mastery that people bring to the Dojo. maybe this is a form of Ying and Yang